Drowning again.
I was at a really good praise and worship thing this weekend, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't praise and worship, I just sang the words, enjoyed the music, but I couldn't feel anything. I tried to feel remorse for not being into it. I tried to be sad for not being close to God. I tried to feel happy for all he has done for me, but my mind would have none of it. I just stood there, sang and that's it.
And this picture came to my head. Well, I started thinking of Sean, and how much I love him. And then I saw me swimming out to him at sea, where he is drowning. So I swim out and I try to save him, but then I start to drown. And I can't swim either, and we are both being pulled under, and yet I still try to save him from drowning, not caring if I drown too.
And still I feel nothing. I know I'm drowning, I know I need to try to not drown, but I can't. I don't have the energy to do anything. And I can't seem to surrender to the lifegaurd who has come to save me. It's almost as though I want to drown.
And this picture came to my head. Well, I started thinking of Sean, and how much I love him. And then I saw me swimming out to him at sea, where he is drowning. So I swim out and I try to save him, but then I start to drown. And I can't swim either, and we are both being pulled under, and yet I still try to save him from drowning, not caring if I drown too.
And still I feel nothing. I know I'm drowning, I know I need to try to not drown, but I can't. I don't have the energy to do anything. And I can't seem to surrender to the lifegaurd who has come to save me. It's almost as though I want to drown.
posted by Gurly239 at 9:37 AM
1 Comments:
I know I'm about a decade late here, but I just wanted to say (you know, if you're seeing this after a decade) that I completely understand. God has blessed me with a voice to worship Him, but I sometimes have a hard time getting into it. Other times, I'm just too focused on maintaining the quality of my voice. But the truth of the matter is God just wants you to praise and worship Him from the heart. That doesn't mean sing well, or even sing at all. Heck, out of a thousand beautiful, shining voices, he will appreciate, far more than any other, the voice of the practically tone deaf person who actually means what they sing. Or the person who is rendered utterly speechless by the awesome glory of The Lord, so much so that all he can do is raise his hands and cry. That's the best kind of worship, more beautiful than any Christina Aguilera-like voice. Although, I'm sure that after nine years, you've already figured that out. It took me long enough to realize that.
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