Return to Me; for I have sought after you, but you have continued on in pursuit of your own ways. I have called to you, but you have disregarded Me. I have placed obstacles in your path, hoping that you would stop and consider and ask of Me, but you have obstinately and determinedly forged on ahead.
Have you learned no wisdom? Have past lessons feld your mind? Are My dealings with you forgotten?
O stubborn and rebellious child, has MY love no longer the power to melt your heart? have My words that you once so treasured become of no value to you?
Put down your anxieties, and trust Me for everything. You need nothing but what I am fully able to supply, with no effort on your part. I do not ask all My children to live in so complete a degree of trust, but I require it of you, because you cannot please Me with anything less.
You are weary, and you should be strong. You are encumbered, and I would have you free. You are hindered by undue concerns, when you should be abounding in joy.
Come back into My perfect will, and finish the task I have assigned you. Anything else is sin. What may be legitimate for another is not so for you.
Come close to Me, and I will minister to you and revive your spirit. So shall you go on, even though the climb is steeper than ever before.






That was my devotions this morning. If you have any clue what I'm going through (which no one does, but oh well) then you would be shocked at how accurate my devos were this morning :P Crazy eh? Specially since I haven't done devos in a long time.
Well good day to y'all.

Drowning again.

I was at a really good praise and worship thing this weekend, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't praise and worship, I just sang the words, enjoyed the music, but I couldn't feel anything. I tried to feel remorse for not being into it. I tried to be sad for not being close to God. I tried to feel happy for all he has done for me, but my mind would have none of it. I just stood there, sang and that's it.

And this picture came to my head. Well, I started thinking of Sean, and how much I love him. And then I saw me swimming out to him at sea, where he is drowning. So I swim out and I try to save him, but then I start to drown. And I can't swim either, and we are both being pulled under, and yet I still try to save him from drowning, not caring if I drown too.

And still I feel nothing. I know I'm drowning, I know I need to try to not drown, but I can't. I don't have the energy to do anything. And I can't seem to surrender to the lifegaurd who has come to save me. It's almost as though I want to drown.

The best compliment

I just got possibly the best compliment ever, and I had to make note of it.
On my opendiary blog someone left me this note:

"this diary is so disgusting to an athiest"

I LOVE IT! To affect someone like that, that they needed to leave me that note. And really, it means that Christ is evident. I'm so pumped about this!

I know but I don't feel

I know he is there, reaching out his hand, and I need to reach out my hand and grasp his.
So why do I find that little effort to be so difficult? Too difficult.
I'm almost ready to give up.
I need help.
How many times must I call out?
How many words must be spoken.
I know I need help. Part of me wants to ask
And the other part of me just wants to curl up and die.

I know I'm in his hands, in his arms. But I just can't feel it.

Still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

Is this a plea?

Oh, how I long to run to you. To run and be enveloped in your arms, where I can stay and sit and talk to you. I wait for the day, and am excited for it. I want today to be that day. But it is not. It cannot be. I am too stubborn, too hurt, too proud, too broken. I can't let you touch me for I am unclean. You are like a wire brush to me, scrubbing away all the uncleanliness... and that is good. But it hurts so bad. And right now, at this moment, I feel I cannot take any more pain.
To add to this fear and termoil that is ripping at my chest, clawing at my insides, tearing apart my soul; it would destroy me. I can't allow that to happen.
However, apparently I will sit here and let it eat me from the inside... until it has taken over my whole body like an infectious disease.
I know what I must do, but as I said, it hurts too bad, and I know I can't stand up to the pain. I know that I would crumble and fall apart, and that there is no one here to help me pick up the peices.
The one bad thing about this, is that I am completly and utterly alone.
I know you are here, that you will help, but that aloneness, that longing for another human to contact with me and to help me put my life back together once I have destroyed it by handing it over...
I'm in trouble. This is a call out! A callout to you.