Thoughtfulness

Someone asked me yesterday how I let someone know that I'm interested in them. I gave some lame answer, one that left everyone unsatisfied. And do you know what I realized? I realized I no longer have any idea how to le someone know I'm interested. It's been two years. Two years since I liked a man as anything more than a friend. When your only 19, two years is a lot. I just find it rather amusing, kind of scary, and pretty weird. I'm begining to wonder if perhaps there is something wrong with me. But honestly, if ther eis, I don't really care, cause I don't want to change.



I want to be rescued. From what, I don't even know. But I want a knight on a gleaming black horse to come and sweep me off of my feet, righ in the face of danger. The problem is I think the danger that is before me IS me. How can someone rescue a person from themselves? The answer is simple: they can't. Only one person can rescue someone from themselves, and it is that same very person. So, it would seem, I don't get a knight in shining armour.



It's weird the thoughts that run through my head. Some of them are so contradictory. Some of htem confuse me to no end. I once said "I'm complicated" and you know the responce I got? He said "anyone who calls themselves complicated isn't really complicated at all." I don't know why he said that, and I've gone for a while thinking maybe that statement is true. But that doens't help me with my confuseion. I'm still just as lost as I have ever been.



Jesus ROCKS! My goodness! yes, so I may suck at giving explenations for myself. Maybe I can't explain coherently why I believe what I do, or why I think what I do, or why I do what I do; but that's okay. Jesus still loves me, and he assures me that what I believe, think, feel and do is right; except for the occassions that I'm wrong. But he lets me know when I'm wrong, and when I give my consent he helps me get turned around and back on the right track.



It's crazy sometimes the conversations I have with people. Even crazier how I always come up with good things to say like, two hours later. But that's how it goes for a lot of people I guess. I love conversing with people, it's just too bad I'm so horrible at it. I'm trying to work on that, but it's not something that really comes easily to me. I'm so thankful for htose people that are patient with me and are helping me become a better conversationalist.



I noticed I'm getting super good at feeling sorry for myself. Ya, I pretty much hate it; specially since there is not really anything to feel sorry about. I mean, really: I go to a great school, got an awesome apartment, I'm independent, I don't want for anything, I LOVE my job, I have lots of super cool people to talk with, I have a family who loves me; I mean really! I"VE GOT GOD what else do I really need? NOTHING! Gosh, I hope I get over myself soon.



I have been having really weird dreams lately. The first weird dream I will talk about was the other night....
I don't remember a lot about it, but I remember there was this guy, I don't know who he was, but I did know him. He had a girlfriend and stuff, but somehow we were making out. I woke up and was really freaked out. I ain't one to analyze dreams... but for some reason it felt like that one should mean something. I mean, it's not like me and this dude (whoever it was) were going behind his girlfriends back, cause she was right there, just chatting to us... I remember we were outside, on a cliff. Well, we were kinda on a ledge a little ways down the cliff, and there was a latter attached to the rock... *shrugs* weird eh?
Then last night I dreamed i got married. I wasn't excited about getting married I was just like "meh" or whatever. I didn't love the man, but for some reason I didn't think love was that important. That is until the wedding night. I knew what was supposed to happen on the wedding night and I was terrified. I looked over at the man I married and he was this old dude with a beer belly, and a beard. He was really rich, and I got the impression that I had married him for his money at my parent's request. But I so didn't want to sleep with him so I ran away. He chased me, but he was really really out of shape so he couldn't catch me. Anyways, by the end of the dream I had evidence that he had been "cheating on me" with hookers and such, (there was a video of it that I ended up showing in court) and so I had grounds to divorce him. I was so releived.

Okay, like seriously! What the heck is up with these dreams? They are seriously starting to freak me right out!